Scrolling randomly on substack, I read an essay on « how to deal with substack ». One sentence hit me, stating that seeing people succeeding in their careers, gaining followers, and having opportunities can feed the comparison game and feel like “ok, this is a list of all I’m doing wrong”. The idea stayed in my head for hours, as I was thinking about failures, dreams, and the state of my life, a peaceful voice whispered "Are you sure you really care that much about that? Is that what you really want? "
Let's be honest, I’m jealous when people have a huge following or opportunities I can only dream of, especially when I see them blessed with privileges I’ve never had or creating things that are, sorry, for me “shits I would be too ashamed to sell or show”, that’s raw but honest. But how is that leading me to where I want to go? Am I looking for 15k followers? Do I want to work in this gallery or get my face in an art magazine?
What does this uncomfortable emotion reveal about my deepest dreams?
If I take a look at my recent work, I can see a shift caused by a constant state of exhaustion and discouragement. I’m a bit tired of trying to “be lucky enough to be seen “ but writing this post, I realise that it’s impossible because I’m not showing what I am doing, convinced that it’s crap or not good enough. It’s certainly not always good but, hey, this is how I’m drawing, this is my style, my world, my voice, let’s stop fighting against myself.
Sometimes, we feel lost in our attend to make our work look a certain way, a perfect mix of our influences but it’s impossible to force it. You can learn and copy masters, try to understand their work but your personal work is not a salad, you can’t mix ingredients as easily. No matter how talented or skilful one can be, creation is the result of thousand of small decisions taken by an artist, deliberate choices linked to hundred of reasons unknown to the world. So, if you think that you’re not good enough because your painting doesn’t look a Bonnard or Picasso, don’t take another class or cry, that’s completely normal: you’re not them.
Like many artists, I need ( we all need) to find our own alphabet and make our own decisions. Our brain is of course influenced but your art is yours, it’s a part of you, the sum of your mentors, your experiences, your skills, your life, tests and failures. I think that we could only measure our body of work on our deathbed because we won’t have time left to improve anything. All my artworks belong to me, even when I think that there’s no link between them, they’re part of the same family. I don’t always like them all but that’s life!
I need to take time to understand why I like what I like, and what am I jealous of, being honest with yourself and knowing what you want is the first to gain self-confidence.
That's all for me now, that's a spontaneous post, sorry if my English is not the best!
See you soon,
Lyly
It’s fascinating to see the variety of experimentation you’ve been doing with your art. Keep at it for there will come a time that things will start to click. Your visual language starts to bubble up. Take a few moments to look back and see how many steps you’ve taken forward. Small things matter. Little by little is better than nothing at all. Finally, I’m proud of you for writing this post. It takes courage to share your thoughts. Keep going!
Love seeing some of the current work you’re making. I enjoyed your salad metaphor so much. It’s all about how we want to feel making our artwork. And that feeling can’t really be compared <3