Have you ever tried to do something and then realised that you’ve never really done anything in that direction?
On March 1st, I’ve reached the end of my gap year. I tried to reflect on what I’ve done over the last 12 months.
My first thought was “You haven’t done anything !“: I had plenty of time to create, actually I didn’t have anything else to do because I did not have a job. To be honest, I did things, I designed birthday and Christmas cards, created some pictures for my portfolio and sent them to illustrations galleries and magazines, played with (expensive) art materials, and joined online illustrators groups but nothing close to the idea that I had about “ body of work created during a gap year”. That sounds romantic, isn’t it? The typical things that you’re expecting from an artist are; “ I felt lost and depleted, I quit my job, painted all day and TADA ! I’ve found my voice in the desert now look what I’ve painted”.
I wanted it to happen because this is something that I read on Emma Carlisle’s Patreon: she suffered from depression, spent a year drawing and sharing on Instagram and now, from my perspective, she’s got it! I couldn’t be far away from that.
Note : you can’t replicate one’s life.
I tried everything but never managed to finish anything, wanted to be an editorial illustrator, bought a course but never felt that it was something where I could fit in. I was stuck in my research of the type of publications to focus on, but nothing was “me enough”. I’m not even reading magazines or newspapers, I’ve lost months thinking about what my style is, how to be recognisable, how to grow Instagram, a newsletter, being seen…
Seen but for what? What am I actually doing or trying to achieve? What am I focusing on? Why did I take so many classes, attended dozens of workshops, and have been a patreon to so many artists who, I was convinced, could teach me that little thing I was missing even if I didn’t know what it was. I’ve done everything except one, asking myself: what is making you happy? What’s always in your mind and common to all the things I like?
All these questions exploded in my mind while I was watching a documentary about Vermeer narrated by Stephen Fry. I opened up my Pinterest and looked closely at my inspiration board: Vermeer, Hammershoi, Sempé, empty landscapes, empty interiors where you can feel human presences without actually seeing it, still people without clear faces in the intimacy of their life.
Stillness, loneliness, peacefulness.
I like stories untold, imagining the life of a stranger waiting at the train station, empty spaces with just one character, someone doing nothing but living his or her life, but it’s always about lonely people.
Solitude, not loneliness. Both refer to a state of being alone but the key difference between these two words is that solitude is a positive state of mind whereas loneliness is a negative state of mind. In french, we commonly use solitude to talk about both states so the difference never struck my mind before I read the definition in English.
It opened up a whole box of questions. To me, solitude is not just being physically alone. What doesn’t means when you need to be alone to restore your soul? Why our society stigmatised solitary people? Why does being a solitary person often mean being perceived as strange? Are you craving solitude when you’re surrounded by people? What it’s like to feel out of the party and happy with it? What doesn’t it mean to feel small and alone in a very big & crowdy world? What is a solitary character is doing when no one is watching? What are we doing in the shadow?
So many questions that I’m trying to answer with drawings. It’s a complex theme but so intimate, so close to my soul. It’s a bit difficult because I don’t know exactly how to do so, I feel like it would be easier if I was writing poetry or books but how can I draw feelings or blurry things. But I feel freer than ever because there’s no deadline, no business pressure. I’m still dreaming of exposing my work one day and selling prints to people who connect with what I’m doing but I’ve never been aware of the fact that the first things I need to do are mark making, sketching, painting failing, learning, and trying. Quantity over quality. More surprisingly, while writing this, I thought that one day, I’ll be happy to illustrate a children's book on solitude because this is how I felt when I was a child and why I’m an artist today: I’m building worlds full of images in my head.
I must create a kind of process to “make the magic happen” because my urge to paint is making me waste so much paper that I could save by simply drawing/sketching first! As they say, first things, first!
I’ll talk about that more deeply next time but I want to know : what’s on your mind ? What’s your obsession as an artist ? Why and what do you need to create ?
That’s all for me now, See ya!
Stevelyne
Hello friends and welcome to My two cents ! It’s a little corner where I’m documenting my journey as an artist.
This is a wonderful post.
I create to help those who might have a difficult time understanding their creativity.
We know how it feels and have managed to get here, so Ill ask the same question not looking for answers but to help everyone starts giving themselves a voice and listen to their creative selves.
And this gives me purpose and an excuse to draw and type a bit.
Have a great weekend!
You have written my very thoughts and feelings here. This is my favorite blog post so far of all the things i’ve read 😏, it’s so relatable!! There’s so much pressure to perform but there’s so much soul searching involved in this because it’s an expression of the soul. I am so happy for you, you’re doing something so interesting and it feels timeless and deep and YOUR thing, your voice. Loved looking at your studies and i’m so inspired and excited to follow your journey. Beautiful !