Notebook 05
It took me three minutes to request a refund for my autumn classes at the Royal Drawing School. Then, put a large amount of art supplies on vinted. Fill the bin with a lot of projects. Cancel useless and heavy subscriptions. Press delete. Grab a piece of paper and write. Say sorry but no.
You can’t draw if you’re empty. You can’t share what you don’t live. You can’t imagine if you don’t pay attention. You can’t exist if you’re stuck in your head. You can’t be dedicated to anything if you don’t know why.
I wanted to delete my substack and run. I tend to make very impulsive decisions when I’m tired. Since my birthday a few days ago I’ve been so overwhelmed by overthinking that I couldn’t sleep more than 3/4 hours: my mind and body said stop! it’s funny because because even if it’s uncomfortable this is what I needed to ask myself some questions. I mean good and hard question: does my current behaviour lead me somewhere?
spoiler alert: no!
If you’ve been with me since the beginning of my journey here, you know how much I love to put unrealistic pressure on myself. Dealing with chronic anxiety has such an impact on my mental health that sometimes it feels like it’s never going to change. But recently, I started to be more attentive to my thoughts. Sometimes my head is so noisy that the only way to calm down is to switch off everything and binge-watch on Disney + (I’ve watched Modern Family and Abbot Elementary a hundred times since March)
I never realised how much thoughts can impact our lives. People talk about motivation, discipline etc…but thoughts? My Perfectionism is a way to deal with my fear of being rejected. Procrastination is a way to deal with my fear of failure. Impatience is a way to deal with my need to be valued and seen. I overthink what a painting should look like instead of solving problems on paper. The biggest decision I took this year was to draw for the sake of drawing and not thinking about sales. I can pay my bills with my job as a librarian so my art can exist without any capitalist value: It can make people happy, it can bring light and comfort, it can just be a touch of beauty, and it can exist out there without being defied by money.
Last week, I posted a question on Notes “Are you an artist if you don’t exhibit/sell/show/work everything on your art ?” This question popped up in my head this morning and I feel like I’m going to untangle a lot of things if I think about it! What do you think about it? What does it mean to you?
It’s scary because it’s common to think that if you don’t support yourself with your art, you’re not an artist, you’re not serious, you’re not a member of the art business, you’re a hobbyist, you’re nothing. For me, and many, the truth is creating without thinking about whether or not an artwork might sell is liberating: you’re free and still have a roof over your head and food on your plate. It’s scary because it means that spending so much money on courses and memberships to get so-called insider’s secrets on how to succeed was just a waste of time and money. It’s scary because that’s against what Instagram &co told us.
It’s scary because now that I know this truth, what’s going to happen next?
Sorry for this random, spontaneous and not very structured post :)
That’s all for me now, talk soon,
Lyly <3
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This is so relatable, I have been having a bit of a low as well because I felt like maybe I am wasting my time with art and all , and then I remembered I decided to do it not because of sales ( althought that is also a nice bonus), but because I have been dreaming to be an artist and create art as a way of living. I remember focusing so much on my career and work and being creatively drained and thinking this is not the life I want to live anymore. I want time to focus on things that makes me happy and that was always art. So I can understand your questions and turnmoil and debating whether to create or not create. But I must say I think you have found your way, I love the bright art you have been creating lately , I can tell you are more free and passionate. Please keep doing what makes you happy , because that is what has been inspiring us to follow your journey. To me you are a real artist :)
Full of emotions and rawness, my friend 🖤 Impulse decision-making is something I'm struggling with, too. I've had anxiety all my life and some days more than others. One of my meditation teachers once said "Be an outsider if you want to change the inside. You need to become an observer, not a controller, not a producer, not a director, but a spectator." He was talking about it in terms of our minds.