I’m rushing.
Rushing to get things done
Rushing to succeed
Rushing to make it
I still have this goal to create a body of work that I could send to an open call in June but the more I try to create, the fewer things get alive on my paper: I'm running in too much directions, style, concept, I can’t even explain. I want to do something, I have the idea and the tools, I can even touch it in my head but I can't give birth to anything in the real world.
I’m worried because I never seem to stop complaining about what I’m creating, nothing looks good enough and there's always be this massive gap between where I’m standing and where I want to be. My head is a mix of wanting to give up, sadness, exhaustion and anger.
Emotions like doubt, fear, "I'm not enough" etc...are very common to so many artists throughout art history. At some point, we're all feeling bad about our art, ourselves, convinced that everyone but us knows what to do. But there's a lot of art around us, how can we prove that it was made by artist knows exactly what he/she's doing, feeling confident, worthy, talented? Impossible.
How do artists deal with all kinds of emotions, addictions (and so many other things ) but turn them into something, no matter what's the medium? How can you put yourself into any artistic creation when you're feeling so scared about being seen or rejected?
Introversion and anxiety are a big part of who I am, as a human but also as an artist. Every decision, every mark, everything is created through this lens. Even though I realize how much I evolved in my practice, I don't feel confortable enough to say « This is me, this is what I’m doing ». But, is it because, like so many artists, I'm hiding myself behind something? I have this idea of who I should be, what my art should be, what my substack should be and what an artist should be but behind all of that, there's the ghost of anxiety, of depression.
I'm drawing lonely people doing things, thinking that no one can see them. I'm drawing empty landscapes. I'm drawing because this is how I can communicate with the world, even if I'm so scared of it.
I'm scared of being seen, I'm in my painting and I wish I could just let them do the talking for me. Anxiety and introversion are my muse but I don't know how to mix them in my painting.
And you? Where are you hiding yourself? Let’s chat in comment, I’ll be happy to know <3
You just described... me.
PS: I don't have answers, only questions and doubts. I've started reading Art & Fear book and is describes... me. It's soothing, but I would lie if I'd say that I found solutions.
You captured these emotions so well. This piece of writing alone is really raw, honest, and beautiful. I’ve held so many insecurities in my work and I think it’s a feeling that ebs and flows in and out of creative practice.